Going to bed, but! I just reached a nice round number of followers and I think it’s traditional to do something stupid in recognition of the fact, so, here you go guys, have this incredibly dumb crossover shit I wrote while on the train several days ago and am clearly never going to find any practical use for. It’s cool, you can unfollow me again now.
I HOPE YOU LIKE X-MEN.
Founded by bald telepathic genius Professor Cal Francis Scratch to defend a fandom that ships and fears them, the HS-Men operate from an opulent greenstone mansion in Westchester County, New York – disguised behind the innocuous public facade of Professor Scratch’s School for Precious Babies. Besides all the usual facilities, such as swimming pools and gymnasia, the mansion boasts some impressive technological assets. At its heart is Cere-Bro, a pair of sunglasses stored in a sealed basement, which magnify the wearer’s telepathic abilities to a startling degree and serve as a global monitoring system. The Cere-Bro AI also runs the mansion’s Danger Room, where the HS-Men hone their abilities; its bizarre sense of humour means that this room is often significantly more dangerous than the actual enemies the team faces. Beneath the tennis courts is the hangar for the experimental Long Magic Dog stealth jet, in which the team rides through the sky on its neverending mission to find bullies and fuck their shit up.
Bicyclops (Sollux Captor): the first mutant recruited by Scratch, and the overall team leader. A serious, driven, and rather uptight young man who rarely allows himself to relax. In combat he relies mostly on his distinctive (and devastating) red-and-blue eye-beams, but he is also an excellent strategist and a capable telepath.
Quetzal (Rose Lalonde): the team’s most powerful member, she focuses and channels her almost limitless telekinetic abilities through the pair of wands or ‘needles’ she carries. Nearly destroyed the HS-Men entirely when she became possessed by an ancient cosmic entity called the Fluthlu Force, causing her to go completely off the deep end, start wearing a basque, and exterminate six billion salamanders. She got better.
The Furry (Jade Harley): beneath her alarming bestial exterior (well, dog ears) hides the mind of a brilliant scientist. Jade has saved her friends as often with her chemical and biological know-how as with her strength and gymnastic prowess. She is also a crack shot with most long-barrel firearms. The name wasn’t her idea, but it stuck.
Raguel (Terezi Pyrope): named for the Angel of Justice, her most prominent mutation is her pair of vast white dragon-wings, which enable her to fly at great speeds and with considerable agility. She is blind, but uses a combination of hypersenses and echolocation to gain a disturbingly accurate picture of her surroundings. She likes to lurk on rooftops, then swoop down and lick people’s faces when they least expect it.
Coolkid (Dave Strider): exudes an intense aura of pure cool around his body, causing anyone in close proximity to get, like, really insecure about stuff and start wondering if maybe they need better taste in music. By focusing this power he can freeze moisture in the air to create long ‘rails’ of ice, along which he can then ‘grind’. This is science. When all else fails he hits people with a fucking huge sword.
#8, Davekat, where Dave is a human and Karkat is a tiny fairy troll, barely halfway to Dave’s knee. Karkat becomes really interested in Dave, who draws comics and takes pictures, and they eventually fall in love. They sex by Karkat wrapping his arms and legs around Dave’s manhood, and Dave either pulling Karkat up and down his length or Karkat grinding himself in full-body frottage against Dave’s dick. Eventually, Karkat or Dave learn how to turn Karkat human-sized or Dave Karkat-sized, and then proceed to bang in the conventional buttsex manner.
#7, RoseTereziNepeta, where they roleplay a sexy murder trial with squiddles and scalemates. Terezi is the prosecuting attorney, Rose is the defense attorney, and Nepeta plays the part of Judge, Jury, and Sexecutioner.
#6, SolluxKarkatMituna where Sollux is dating Karkat, and realizes that Karkat has a huge kink for twins. Sollux asks Mituna the huge favour of cutting his hair and dressing up as Sollux, so that when Sollux and Karkat start getting hot and heavy, he would come out and he and Sollux would start making out and touching each other, and then move on to double-teaming Karkat, with Sollux riding Karkat and Karkat riding Mituna. Latula is totally okay with this and requests a tape of it so that she can share it with Damara.
#5, DirkJakeJohn where Dirk and Jake are dating and John is Jake’s cousin who comes over for the week during the summer. Dirk and Jake are making out in Jake’s room when John stumbles out of the closet and asks them to teach him how to do that because he wants to “be ready for when he kisses girls.” This eventually escalates to Dirk teaching John how one would otherwise have sex with a girl by Dirk bottoming for John and instructing him on roughly what to do and how to move. Jake, meanwhile, is in the corner getting himself off when he decides that he wants in on this, and slides up behind Dirk and slips his fingers inside him as John continues thrusting. Jake tells John to hold on a second, which John does reluctantly with a frustrated pout. Slowly, Jake starts to stretch Dirk out with his dick, which is considerably larger than John’s. Finally, as he settles himself inside Dirk, rubbing along and against John’s dick, they start out with a slow rhythm to let a very full Dirk adjust to their combined cocks, and then somehow they manage to pick up speed and Dirk is just riding it like a champ, stretched and full to the brim. John’s the first to go, coming with a little “guh” of orgasm as Jake feels John’s seed spill inside Dirk. Jake then lifts Dirk up and off John, and then sets him back down so that Dirk is on all fours above John, and Jake is taking him from behind and picking up the pace so it’s a constant slapslapslap. Dirk bends his head and kisses John when he can, in between the gasps and little moans that Jake forces from him. Dirk clenches his teeth when he orgasms, covering John’s stomach and legs with spunk as Jake continues to pound into him, finally reaching his own orgasm a minute later.
John develops a puppy crush on Dirk, afterwards, and he and Jake are always willing to “help out” John when he needs “instruction.”
#4, JadeJaneCondescension involving space powers and Crocker Corp. themed sex toys. Mind control and size kink.
#3, Davejohn/Brojohn, where Dave is secretly in love with John and plans to tell him one night when John’s visiting him in Texas. He comes home to hear sounds from Bro’s room, and John’s nowhere to be found. He creaks open the door to Bro’s room to see John being held up and against the wall, with his thighs on Bro’s shoulders and riding Bro’s face, and Bro’s got John’s cock buried to the root in his throat. Dave sneaks away and cries as he masturbates in sad jealousy. Later that night, he sneaks into John’s bed, and starts sucking him off until he’s hard before lubing himself up and straddling John’s hips. John wakes up to find Dave riding him like there’s no tomorrow, and John hugs Dave to him and fucks him silly. Dave comes crying all over John’s chest, and John feels really conflicted about his Strider feelings.
#2, Brodave where Bro is actually just as confused as Dave is about their feelings for each other. Bro is showering after a strife, lost in thought, when Dave walks into the bathroom, bends him over the counter, and fucks him until they’re screaming each other’s name.
#1, Equitav where Tav and Equius are working out, and Tavros is shirtless and doing one-arm bicep curls. Equius can’t look away from the rippling muscles sheened with sweat as they bulge and relax with each pump of the weight. His arousal begins to make itself known through the loose fabric of his gym shorts, and Tav brings up the fact that they’re alone in the gym. Things proceed from there.